So Very Sad

Let me tell you how sad I am this morning...I can't find my camera.

Now, let me tell you how happy I am that this is the only thing I'm sad about today.

But because I can't find my camera I can't upload pictures of my beautiful children. I have gone Thanksgiving, decorating the tree, and now Fremont's Holiday Parade without any pics of Ellie's firsts! And I'm close to having a panic attack. I'm already behind on Mena's scrapbook (please don't ever let on that I STILL haven't scrapped her first birthday and have to get pics from Aunt Allie to boot). But now I'm REALLY behind on Ellis. And I love that little sweetie pie and want to scrap it!

Ellis is my pretty, pretty princess. Mena I've always called my little pink princess and now we have a pretty, pretty princess. She totally rocks our house! When she makes noises to be fed at 3 in the morning, you go to get her, and she's kicking and giggling. No joke! It's hard not to like those early mornings when she makes them so pleasant. She only screams when she's super hungry. And well heck, that just makes her a Wylykanowitz...

It's funny, but all she asked from Santa was a cropper hopper 24 drawer scrapbook organizer. And that lucky girl is going to get it! She whispered in my ear to tell Santa that her greatest Christmas wish is to help Momma clean up her supplies so that she can have a super duper baby book.

But I can't find my camera!

Her Ruby Slippers

So I've finally started working on a story that's been percolating for over a year. And Stephen King says that you shouldn't share ANYTHING that you write until you have finished and done an initial editing, but....

Here it is. The story is about a woman who is looking for herself again after 15 years of marriage and two kids.

Her Ruby Slippers

Chapter 2:

When Taylor was around five, she asked me, “Mommy, is Daddy your prince?” Of course I said yes. What do you say? “Well actually sweetie, River Pheonix was my prince, but because of a particularly stressful, college freshman, dying mother, day I led your father astray under the stars in the back of his pickup truck. I used the line that I was so cold that March night and needed his body heat. I was real smooth honey and now my prince forgets to take off his black socks when he changes into shorts after work.”

It makes me smile to myself when we receive wedding invitations that say things like, “Now I marry my best friend”. Really? Does he just love to go shopping with you and listen to you prattle on about weight loss/gain and the fashion industry’s vanity sizing? Can you just not wait until he gives every last minute detail of his fantasy football team and his standings in the league comprising of every known male relative in a tri-state area? Because honey, that’s marriage.

If you’re real lucky you might like a couple of the same shows in which you will belabor plot and character to death just to avoid the boredom of talking about the kids…again. So if you’re truthful that invite should read, “Today I marry someone I think is relatively attractive and who isn’t repulsed by me”. And when the gods look favorably on you and your significant other, ten years down the road you can say, “I’m married to a great guy who is sometimes the only person who is friendly to me when I’ve been acting like a real shit”. I love Tom. And thank heaven for “Law & Order” or I’d have to hear about every single old lady patient who forgot to turn up her hearing aid, and I’d be left to anecdotes from the produce section.

p.s. Jacob LOVES karate, Mena is still in heaven as our little ballerina, and Ellie is a giggling, smiling doll who is just the joy of our home. Will post pics very soon. Really looking forward to BGSU's writers weekend, Winter Wheat, tomorrow. Here's to crossing my fingers that I got my 1st pick for classes.

What is a blog?

I never wrote further about Mena's dancing, because the last time I posted it wanted to underline everything. And I couldn't have that.

I have been so restless lately. I'm just a bundle of nerves. I've restarted Weight Watchers again because of a friend's little girl who asked when the other baby is going to come out of my tummy. My friend thought this was cute and passed it on thinking I would laugh the same way. I didn't. I smiled for her sake, and have been just furious inside. Mad at her for passing along something hurtful, and mad at myself for just not taking care of something that has bothered me ever since it was brought to my attention in the fourth grade that I'm soft. I have spent the first half of my life eating as a way to...survive? Emotionally? I don't know, but I don't want to waste the second half like this.

Another thing that's taking up useful brain cells is my writing, or lack there of. I have excused myself for not working on my craft by writing (usually) witty little notes on facebook. I've also not blogged because these fb sentences have felt creative enough. But there not. Of course there not. Nobody pays you and publishes your facebook sentences. I'm constantly whining about my financial situation (which drives my husband ABSOLUTELY bonkers! I might add) but at the same time I don't want a "real" job. I want to be a writer. I want to publish and walk in literary circles. I want to be a visiting professor at universities, discussing the actual craft of fiction. The importance of setting, character and plot. The boring yet pivitol need for well maintained sentence structure. How varying sentences size and style lends itself to a reader's understanding of character.

So it's 5:43 a.m. and I'm thrilled because I've gotten up the second day in a row before the gym to work on writing. But instead I signed up for BGSU's annual writer's weekend next week. I hope I get all my first choices for workshops, I'm very excited. And now it's time to go work out and be proud of time well spent, blogging and FB-ing. The novel will just have to wait until tomorrow...again.

Mena, Mena, Ballerina

Pics of my darling little Mena in dance class on Wednesday the 14th of October.

Upon the roles of the church she'll be known as Ellis.

On Sunday, September 27th, Ellis' dad Phil, along with Grandpa Elison, Grandpa Ridoutt, Uncle Ron, Uncle Ammon and Uncle Robert and Branch President Smith gave her a special blessing conferred upon an infant. In it her full name, Ellis Grace Wylykanowitz, is stated so as to be placed upon the roles of the church.

This blessing is special because it is the beginning of her journey in the gospel. Though she won't be a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints until she accepts baptism, her name is now recorded for genealogy and posterity. Then the blessing continues and a child is given specific blessings according to how the Spirit inspires the priesthood holder administering the blessing.

The morning I dress my babies in their blessing clothes I try to take a quiet moment alone with them to think of how special their little spirits are and where they have so recently come from. I also think about how this white outfit is just one of three very important spiritual experiences they have the opportunity to partake in. Their blessing, their baptism, their marriage through the sealing ordinance of the temple.

Ellis' blessing gown is my favorite of the three. Jacob's I bought at Deseret Books in Portland, Mena's was a dress I had found in a thrift store when I was 20 and had held onto all those years in the hopes of someday having a baby girl, but Ellis' was handmade by her Aunt Emily and the "E" on the bodice came from the monogrammed handkerchief of my Grandma Elizabeth, the mother of my mother Joan in California.

This morning my little family will gather in our back room on the red couch and listen to General Conference being broadcast from Salt Lake. These semi-annual conferences are like holidays for me. They are my favorite four days of the year. It's a chance to truly feel like our home has a place in Zion.

In the Book of Mormon, Mosiah, Chapter 2, versus 5-6, it reads,

"5: And it came to pass that when they came up to the temple, they pitched their tents round about, every man according to his family, consisting of his wife, and his sons, and his daughters, and their sons, and their daughters, from the eldest down to the youngest, every family being separate one from another.
6: And they pitched their tents round about the temple, every man having his tent with the door thereof towards the temple, that thereby they might remain in their tents and hear the words which king Benjamin should speak unto them;"

That's what General Conference means to me, it's an opportunity to sustain living prophets and to turn our home towards them and the words they share with us. Words that lift and inspire us to be better in all that we do and that help prepare us to be an eternal family.

First Day of School Pt. 2

Mena started school last Wednesday, September 9, 9009. She is in Miss Dori's class and her assistant Miss Kris. Her good buddy from church, Alexa LeJeune, is in her class. And so far her favorite part of school is playing outside. She also likes the puzzles and reading time.

We were a little worried that she wouldn't be going to pre-school this year because over the summer she kept saying that she didn't want to ever leave me. But we said she had to give it one week. If she really wanted to stay home this year she could. She is only 3! And barely three at that. But she really likes it, except for having to do her hair ever morning, those la-la's come out the minute she comes in the door.

She's our little cutie! And such a big girl, even though she is the smallest in her class and her book bag is almost as tall as she is, LOL!

First Day of School Pt. 1

What a handsome big guy! Jacob's been doing some growing this summer.

He now has two little sisters who he has said he'll "lay down his life" to protect. (he gets his flair for the dramatic from you-know-who) On Saturday he rode his first "adult" ride at the county fair with a wristband saying he's TALL enough for the 42" rides. And today he went off to school for his first full day and a lunchable in his backpack!

We'll also be working this month on having him walk home by himself. Even though we live across the street I have been trained by the news and NCMEC to be a fearful mother. He did walk home alone by the end of last year but I stood on the porch until he was in front of the house and then I'd walk him across the street. He also was let out with only other kindergartners. This year he'll be walking home with big kids as old as 6th grade! But in talking with my friend Kristen Truong and having been doing a little self-educating, I'm ready (sort of) to assist my children in being free range kids.

I don't know how my mom was able to put Emily and me
on a airplane by ourselves at 7 & 5 to fly each summer to visit our dad. (I do know she couldn't sleep the week before and often spent her nights crying) BUT she did it none the less. I walked to and from kindergarten, 3 blocks away. I've moved all over the country, many times just me and a pal with a loaded down car or truck. I was a free range kid and I'm very self-sufficient and independent. Yet, as a mother I'm a hoverer! Completely! Especially after the broken arm.

But here he is, the first step of the rest of his life as a full-time little man!

A little summer photo shoot.

It would be nice if she opened her eyes for one of these photos, but one can I say? She's a sleeper.

Ellis Grace Wylykanowitz

My little darling is now 11 days old and I haven't written about her yet! What the heebie-jeebies is wrong with me?! Well I HAVE been awfully busy looking into her beautiful blue eyes and stroking her very strawberry (sometimes red) blonde hair.

She was born July 28th at 8:28 am, 7 lbs. 8 oz., 20 inches long.

She sleeps like a champ! We didn't even need to buy our customary television series box set to get through midnight wakings. We feed her and she's down again. Her brother and sister love her and enjoy feeding and holding her.

I'm more tired and sore than with other two and am still taking minimal pain killers whereas before I didn't need any. But hey, I'm older and she is #3, at least that's what the doctor and nurses kept telling me the difference is. I'm not really complaining, it's a great excuse for not cleaning, doing laundry, or well...anything. I just sit in the rocker and hold her and usually Mena is on the other leg and we three girls just kick it, lazy style.

So here she is! All my worrying and tears for naught, really, thank heaven.

My last night of possible sleep....

But it wasn't. Jacob manipulated himself into our bed last night claiming he needed some mommy cuddles before the new baby came. Oh, he's good, isn't he? How could I resist? Then I forgot my Tylenol PM and so was up from 12:30 am until 3:30 am in which I got so sick of tossing and turning (which requires getting up on knees to accomodate massive belly) that I went downstairs and read a chapter of my homework that I need to finish before we leave at 4:30 to drop Rudy off at Ammon and Margarida's and then off to Emily's.

Because of being so far from the hospital, love that rural livin', (ok a GOOD hospital) we are staying at Emily's tonight after eating dinner with her family and our dad who just got in. Then we are spending the night with her since she's only 20 minutes from the hospital and we are close to an hour. She's taking care of the kids for us and with her being close they can come and go with Dad.

I have to admit that I'm scared.

With Jacob's arm, my appendectomy, the financial strain of our medical situation on top of having come to terms with no more babies only to find out I was pregnant after all with only a 3 day window before loss of insurance. The loss of my grandparents in such a bizarre manner, our continued insurance nightmare. Oh yeah, no one will cover us for six weeks after Ellis's birth so all of our follow up care will be out of pocket. I keep thinking that the rug underneath is not finished being pulled out.

When I did sleep last night I had horrible dreams with lots of pain, blood, and death. Gruesome? Yes. But our year didn't start January 1st. It started July 31, 2008 when my son shattered his elbow 2 1/2 hours before our insurance kicked in and has left us $20k+ in the whole and ending on July 31, 2009 with a daughter I pray with all my heart, will come home with us, because sometimes they don't.

But this is my deepest fear. The one I've only begun to admit to myself this weekend. That everything is going to be ok should be a given, but the one thing I've learned in the last 12 months is that life has no givens.

And yet, at the same time, I have really grown in my understanding of repentance and faith. But fear and faith cannot co-exist. One comes from love and the other... I have especially come to a fuller understanding of the power of Grace. And it is these powers that I am trying to draw upon 24 hours exactly from when Ellis's and my operation begin.

* Rane, Walter: Add to Your Faith. Unframed giclée print (www.ldscatalog.com)

I'm faced with the reality that I'm a loser!

So I go on my sister Allison's blog this morning and see her live feed widget. I have seen this nifty little gadget on other blogs I follow but have not succumbed to using it. Until...TODAY! in which I think it's a great time to get rid of my "Suggested Baby Names" section and put in the feedjit instead.

Great plan, right! EXCEPT, now I know that I am the only one who actually returns to my blog with any regularity. FOUR, count them, 4 times today! Now I do this as part of my return to the computer ritual each and every time. I log in, delete spam from my yahoo account, check my school e-mail for new grades, check blog only to check my blog list to see if there's anything new that you have written, and then head to facebook.

I swear, I am only checking my blog list every ten minutes. REALLY, it's not a cry for love or to see if anyone thinks my posts are witty, intelligent, and life changing. really. really. ok, maybe, a little.

Please, comment. Please tell my that my little blog is as important to you as the latest issue of People magazine. That when I post I am claiming my 15 minutes of fame that is an American inalienable right!

Maybe I should remove the feedjit. It's tapping into my psyche and playing havoc with my insecurities.

The Wanderer

Put an X by the states you have been to. The average is 8; how do you match up?

Just for fun, put an O beside the states where you have lived.

Airports don't count!

Alabama -
Alaska -
Arizona - X
Arkansas -x
California -XO
Colorado - X
Connecticut -
Delaware -X
Florida - X
Georgia -
Hawaii-
Idaho -XO
Illinois - X
Indiana- X
Iowa - X
Kansas -X
Kentucky - X
Louisiana -
Maine -
Maryland -XO
Massachusetts - X
Michigan - X O
Minnesota -
Mississippi -
Missouri - X
Montana -X
Nebraska - X
Nevada - X
New Hampshire -X
New Jersey - X
New Mexico -X
New York - X
North Carolina -
North Dakota -
Ohio - XO
Oklahoma -
Oregon - XO
Pennsylvania - X
Rhode Island -
South Carolina -
South Dakota -X
Tennessee - X
Texas - X
Utah - XO
Vermont -
Virginia - XO
Washington - X
West Virginia -
Wisconsin -X
Wyoming- X

That would be 33 visited and 8 lived in.

What's in a name? That which we call a rose...

So it's official. Little Baby Girl W. has a name. (drumroll please....)

Ellis Grace Wylykanowitz!

ELLIS: My grandmother's full name was Miriam Ruth (Ellis) Elison, and we wanted to name her after my grandma long before she passed away.

GRACE: The way she was able to join our family sandwiched between my appendix operation and the end of our maternity insurance was a truly lesson in grace.

Thank you all for your suggestions, it was fun! I'll be copying them down for her scrapbook.

For John

.

Make a Smilebox slideshow

I had promised my brother John that I would create a photo essay of my town for him back in April. Only I didn't really know how to go about doing it until I saw a smilebox creation on my friend Heather Goodworth's blog.

Emily and I hired a babysitter and spent an afternoon tooling around the countryside and many of these photos come from that afternoon in June. A couple are from 2008 as well as the Sandusky County Fair. Jacob and Riley on the trampoline was taken at Emily's house and the final photo was at Maddie Householder's blessing at the Findlay LDS ward building.

I hope you enjoy the tour!

The Swingset

So here's the joke:

How many Mormons does it take to screw in a light bulb?
10: 1 to screw it in and 9 to bring the refreshments!
(ha ha ha)

This was our swingset adventure for the last year. We had decided, as a family, to save up for a nifty new swingset last August. We had a huge glass pickle jar that we put our change in every night and watched as the funds grow. It was supposed to be a lesson for the children in planning, budgeting, delayed gratification and patience. But I definately think I had much more fun finding and counting coins than they did. As a family we saved around $160 in almost a year. Phil also donated $200 when an old case from his solo days paid off then the kids received WalMart gift cards and money for their birthdays which went into the pot. All total we only paid $100 out of pocket!

BUT...we still had to build the darn thing. Which we KNEW was going to be the real test of endurance. So, we asked for help. Phil as Elders Quorum president is constantly setting up and running service projects for those in need and I felt we were in need. The two of us would love to be DIY-ers, but we just aren't. Our kitchen ceiling STILL needs to be painted from the bathroom disaster at Christmas.

So I asked him to just go in there and ask for any help anyone could give and think of it as an old fashion barn-raising. We would provide as much food and drinks as people would need to help us get this thing built.

Our volunteers were: My mom's husband, Rob Ridoutt and sons (our brothers, we just love these guys, even before the swingset), Ammon and Rob. The elders and Brother John Jiskra. And a little help from Jacob and Mena. Everyone was awesome! The missionaries could only stay an hour but Rob and Robert are engineers and they had that thing moving. Phil had worked since 6:30 am sorting and marking wood sizes and when everyone showed up at 9 they just really took off. I did construct the glider and swings as my contribution. And...It only took them half a day!






The day wasn't as hot as earlier in the week but they still needed LOTS of Gatorade and ice pops. I had bought a dozen doughnuts and Rob brought a dozen as well. I had also ordered a meat and cheese tray from the deli to feed 20-25 because when I ordered I didn't know how many had signed up, plus sides That was the best. I think I'll be getting one week until our little girl is born so that I don't have to cook anymore.

After it was constructed we let the kids stay up until after 10 pm playing, and in fact at 7:30 Sunday morning Jacob was out there in his jammies swinging some more. We love it.


And it has been a good lesson. In family home evening two weeks ago we were discussing our pickle jar and what to do with it now. And Jacob helped make the decision that we are now saving until Christmas to help a family in need. So the first half of the year is for something fun for the house/yard and the second half is for service. The jar has a new name: The Wylykanowitz Love Fund.

p.s. A half day really means 9p.m. (5 men:12 hours). But hey! It IS half a day!!! :-)

Mena's Third Birthday

Mena celebrated her third birthday on the 30th of May. She is such a big girl. She's strong willed yet loving. A no fear thrill seeker, yet is terrified of water in her eyes. She'll tell anyone who listens that she starts ballet classes in the fall but clings to me in private, "I don't want to go to pre-school, I don't want to leave you".

She can't wait to have a new sister now that she's seen the ultrasound and accepts that there is a baby in mommy's tummy. Now she likes to read to the tummy and has even offered to share her Lambie with the baby!

I've been sleeping in her room at night because the twin mattress on her floor gives more support and is more comfortable for my girth right now. Last night she climbed into bed with me because she was scared by the "monster" pile of clothes in her room that need to go into storage. Finally waking at 9 a.m. she looked up at me, "Last night I got lots and lots of cuddles".

I've come to believe that most of her fits that went beyond the normal two-year-old tantrums came from a place where Mena knew that I have spent too much time at school or on schoolwork, Jacob, church responsibilities, housework, etc. and not enough time cuddling her. Her favorite place to be is on mommy's lap and now that I'm home my lap is too big to hold her comfortably. And there are days that I just can't get enough of my beautiful Mena and worry that I have failed her in some basic way.

I remember when she was born and we were in the hospital together without anyone visiting. I would put her little naked, diapered, body inside my nightgown so that we were skin to skin and we would lay together for hours. My princess. I promised her that she would always be my special little one. As family came to visit I would become anxious if they held her too long and she wasn't in my arms.

All mothers have to make sacrifices when raising their children. Whether with time, money, other responsibilities, and sometimes even self.

I really appreciate this quote on motherhood:
"Some mothers are kissing mothers and some are scolding mothers, but it is love just the same, and most mothers kiss and scold together." ~Pearl S. Buck

And I'm grateful to all the mothers who are part of helping my children become their best selves. Grandmothers, Aunts (and my children are blessed with LOTS of aunts from many generations, those with children and those without, who absolutely adore them), friends of mine, teachers at church and at school.

Yesterday, Mena and I were talking again about her baby sister in my tummy, when I added that someday she might have a baby in her tummy too. And we giggled and tickled over that. While tickling I thought about how someday she is going to go on her first date, have her first heartbreak, then another, and another. She will go to college (YES!), she may serve a mission, most likely get married, have her own children (through birth or adoption) and live a very full life, if we are so blessed.

But like usual I get ahead of myself. I'm really working on living in the present. My theme song these days is: "Slow down, you move too fast, you've got to make the moment last. Just, kickin' down the cobblestones...doo doo doo doo, and feeling groovy!"

Here's to my groovy little 3 year-old Princess Baby Mena!

Amy's 35th Birthday Party - All are invited!

Last Wednesday I had my now bi-weekly baby doctor appointment. Baby W. will be arriving on July 28, 2009. I had big dreams of delivering on my birthday, the 29th, but Dr. Bass only delivers planned cesareans on Tuesdays. So there you have it.

We thought we had a name but now I'm no longer sure. So all the names posted on the left are still in the running. And I'm being sincere when I say I am poring over all of them and my baby name book. I think this one may be a wait and see situation. Yesterday I had a brainstorm. "Phil! What about Matilda Ruth and calling her Tillie?!" Uh, that was a no go. So feel free to let me know if you are having any inspiration.

But on July 29, 2009 I will be hosting my own 35th birthday party at the Wood County Hospital in Bowling Green, Ohio. Most of you know I'm kind of a quiet birthday gal but there will be streamers and balloons, cake and ice cream for all who would like to come meet our sweet little one.

I am posting the photos of all the babies born by my fellow bloggers/friends/family thus far in 2009:

The year started with my cousin, Sharon Pearson's 5th child, Jaiden Pearson (also shown with 4th child/2nd daughter Valencia):


and our friends from Portland (now in Blackfoot Idaho) Heather and Tim Goodworth welcomed their third daughter Meg:



Then came Kathryn Conser. My dear friend Megan, from Portland, gave birth in February to her third child/second daugher:


Last Tuesday, Aaron Choate was born to my USU roommate, long time friend and blogging celebrity, Loralee. This is her fourth son and baby:


Yet to come in 2009 are:
Collin Knapp (#2) to my sister Allison - due date 7/27/09
Baby Gates (#3) to my other Portland bosom buddy, Julie Moyer-Gates- due date 10/09
Baby Resek (#2) to my LA/DC roommate Adrianne (Smart) Resek and if it wasn't for her I would never have moved East and met my sweet Charlie Brown- due date 10/09
Baby Webb (#3) to my sweetheart Paula (Yokum) Webb - due date 12/09
Baby Kinnunen (#2) to one of my very oldest and dearest friends, Nicole (Coloff) Kinnunen-12/09

I keep a scrapbook page at the end of each year for annual baby announcements I think 2009 is going to bring us a bumper crop!

P.S. I stole these photos from their blogs which can be found to the left. If you would like to see more pics of their little darlings just click and enjoy!

Princess Baby Mena!

I was wishing my mom in California a "Happy Mother's Day" and telling her about the kids. She loved Jacob's soccer photos but I realized I had never posted Mena's dress-up pics. This is what Mena calls "playing make-up". The above is my favorite. It has such a sense of joy and freedom. Enjoy, she's a CUTIE!

Jacob - MVP

Our son Jacob has many, many talents. But focus and teamwork aren't two of them. Or the love of nature either, for that matter. His two favorite sports are swimming and gymnastics. Where one is safely indoors.

This spring we offered him either T-ball or soccer. He chose soccer. Great! Thought I, there is a lot more room for social visibility. You know, no one ever says "Hey, look at that cute T-ball mom." Whereas soccer moms are just so suburban chic ;-) And of course it's all about me.

But here's the kicker, vanity gets me every time. I'm still not the cute soccer mom. My huge tummy crowded in sweatpants, they are all that fits. Stained t-shirts because my wardrobe budget can't keep up with the tornado that is Mena. And sporting the ponytail while my hair shows off my bad roots because I can't figure out a hairstyle I want or the time to get to the salon.

So I'm actually having to pay attention to my son playing the game instead of flaunting my cute soccer mom self.

These pics are from his first game last Saturday. His team, Crew, lost 0-4 but then won on Tuesday 2-0. On Tuesday he even helped defend the goal with a his head. All the parents cheered and asked me his name. Beaming, I said, "Jacob, and he meant to do that!" But of course moments later he is galloping to the bench yelling, "Ow, ow,ow..." Later, he made a successful pass to a little girl teammate who made a goal. And he even attempted a goal himself.

We're very proud of him, this year he is no longer twirling in the back corner like lasts year's attempt at Rugrats Sports. He's actually listening to his coach and watching the ball 50% of the time.

When Tuesdays game was over he came running to me for some H2O. "Honey," said I, "your coach is talking to all the kids you need to go over there". In which my little "Beckham" spins and begins skipping back to his group. "Run, Jacob run! Don't skip, sweetie."



p.s. At the library today I checked out "Great Hair: Secrets to Looking Fabulous and Feeling Beautiful Every Day" by Nick Arrojo of TV's "What Not to Wear".

Spring's Annual Geological Dig

Some count the first day of spring by the calendar, March 20th. For some it's the first shoots of daffodils or tulips peeking their heads above the thawing ground. For me, well, it's the day I decide to finally unearth the floor of the mom-mobile from beneath the layers of winter snacks and corroded sippy cups.

I've known for a week or two that something was definately "rotten in the state of Denmark". But it's still been so cold and rainy out that I've ignored it. Just lowering the windows long enough to not soak the seats but still give a bit of fresh air. On Friday, I had no excuses, it was a warm and gorgoeus day. The kids had a vintage Mickey Mouse video from the library and I set to work with trash barrel and hose at the ready.

The culprit: not one, not two, but FOUR! Deteriotating little gremlins of milk needs past. I couldn't, of course, just throw them away because we parents all know how much we get suckered punched in the wallet for those things. So I lined them up along the house for Phil to spray down before attempting the dishwasher.

Photo Op For Your Benefit:


Alas, the cups couldn't be saved. But the hose did create a nice little splash zone for the youngun's. And beneath the layers of trail mix, cheerios, chips, books, toys, discarded clothing, and the such was my van. The one I never wanted but couldn't live without! Next year, I look forward to fermenting fiends of formula lying amongst the other rubble. Proof that our lives move forward as time marches on.

Returning To Normal...

Since my last post I have had so much time to think about family, life, death, and what it means to grieve.

When my grandfather passed I was so relieved. His life without Grandma would have been cruel in its living. And flying out to California gave me time with family that has helped me to heal. Phil and I chose to leave he and the kids at home. We didn't really feel this was the appropriate time for hJacob to be hanging out with cousins. He would understand too much while emotionally not being able to cope with any of it. As it is he and I have had many conversations concerning death. We still have a family vacation planned in October. And we are all looking forward to that.

I have a really awesome family. Some get along better than others but that's in every family and with one as large as ours the odds are still pretty good. I'm grateful for the reunion last year which helped to bring us closer and gave us the foundation to lean on each other in our time of need.

I'm grateful for my dad, and all that he had to shoulder as oldest son, and now patriarch of our Elison branch. I'm not sure he sees himself that way, but my generation is now looking to him. I'm grateful for my brother, his wife, my sisters and their spouses and children. I especially enjoyed getting in some quality time with my nephew, Quinn, who I haven't had much time with.

I'm grateful that my cousin Sharon is still excited in planning our next in 2011. And the opportunity I've had these last few years to build a sweet friendship with. I'm grateful for my cousin Stewart, who created a beautiful video for the memorial luncheon and made copies for all of us. He was such a goof as a kid, but now he's come into his own as family photographer and video-historian. He's still a goof, but I'm so much more appreciative of his sweet nature and quick laughter.

I'm grateful for elderly great-aunts and uncles who came and supported our family and who hugged us grandkids who still so desperately need our grandparents. We range in age from 40's down to teens. But we still need to hear the stories from grandpa and to hold hands with grandma. We love our parents. And we know that they loved their parents. But our grandparents had such a special relationship with us grandkids seperate from their own children.

They were what grandparents were suppose to be. Warm, inviting, treat giving, unassuming, fun and simple. They didn't have much but what they had they gave with an open heart. My grandma has always been my hero, my best friend, my ideal. She wasn't very syrupy sweet but she loved us. I literally have tried my whole life to walk in her shoes. As a teen, everyone made fun of me because I was always borrowing her old lady sandals. And I loved them! I still do. I have her feet. As many of us kids do, and my feet have always been my favorite body part.

My faith in the gospel of Jesus Christ is my own. My testimony comes from my own studies and experiences but its seed was planted at the knee of my grandfather. I love the scriptures because he taught me how. I cherish family history because I spent countless hours listening to him and begging for more. I will miss calling him up after each General Conference to discuss the talks given. That was something we could share even when separated by so many miles.

I am grateful to have been blessed with peace during this past week. But today I'm sad for me. Today I've had to fight tears in each of my classes and have finally given way to them while I sit here and write. But I'm ok. I know I'm ok. Years are going to pass and I will still have moments of sadness because there will be times when I will need to sit hand-in-hand with Grandma and share a diet Coke and can't. I truly believe I will be with her again when it is my time to leave this earthly sphere. But those quiet porch moments are now gone forever.

Now it's time to take my children to the park across the street. They've been waiting patiently for an hour and Jacob has become so sensitive to my crying. He's a sweet boy. It's time for us to play. So here we go, me and the next generation, hand-in-hand looking to the future.

Follow Up

Thank you for your prayers. I've just received a call from my sister Tiana, Grandpa has just passed as well. I leave tomorrow night for California to help my family prepare for a double funeral on Friday.

A Time of Sorrow

Yesterday morning I was on the phone with my dad, so excited for the day. My anticipation of my Uncle Ritchie Elison's scheduled visit for dinner, and Emily's family joining us for a mini- family reunion, was so great that I skipped my last class to go grocery shopping. It was the only reason I was even on the phone.

Another call beeped through dad's line and he quickly hung up with me. 40 minutes later I learned that Dad had received what will probably, and hopefully, be the worst news of our lives. This shared by my family, my aunts, my uncles, and my cousins.

Our grandmother, 86 years old, died yesterday and our grandfather, 90 years old is in the hospital after a tragic and violent turn in time. For 67 1/2 years they had been devoted partners, loving parents, and honored grandparents.

Even though their age may suggest it was just their time to go. This is not that story. In fact I'm only blogging about it because I need a release and an opportunity to reach out to my family who I am so far away from.

Dear family, our hearts are knitted together. Each of us have our own spiritual faith as our foundation. But we are united in our love for one another.

I'm posting the poem Grandpa read at my wedding 7 years ago. It is how I will choose to remember him always.

Home
by Edgar Guest

It takes a heap o' livin' in a house t' make it home,
A heap o' sun an' shadder, an' ye sometimes have t' roam
Afore ye really 'preciate the things ye lef' behind,
An' hunger fer 'em somehow, with 'em allus on yer mind.
It don't make any differunce how rich ye get t' be,
How much yer chairs an' tables cost, how great yer luxury;
I ain't home t' ye, though it be the palace of a king,
Until somehow yer soul is sort o' wrapped round everything.

Home ain't a place that gold can buy or get up in a minute;
Afore it's home there's got t' be a heap o' livin' in it;
Within the walls there's got t' be some babies born, and then
Right there ye've got t' bring 'em up t' women good, an' men;
And gradjerly, as time goes on, ye find ye wouldn't part
With anything they ever used -- they've grown into yer heart:
The old high chairs, the playthings, too, the little shoes they wore
Ye hoard; an' if ye could ye'd keep the thumb marks on the door.

Ye've got t' weep t' make it home, ye've got t' sit an' sigh
An' watch beside a loved one's bed, an' know that Death is nigh;
An' in the stillness o' the night t' see Death's angel come,
An' close the eyes o' her that smiled,
an' leave her sweet voice dumb.
Fer these are scenes that grip the heart,
an' when yer tears are dried,
Ye find the home is dearer than it was, an' sanctified;
An' tuggin' at ye always are the pleasant memories
O' her that was an' is no more -- ye can't escape from these.

Ye've got t' sing an' dance fer years, ye've got t' romp an' play,
An' learn t' love the things ye have by usin' 'em each day;
Even the roses 'round the porch must blossom year by year
Afore they 'come a part o' ye, suggestin' someone dear
Who used t' love 'em long ago, an' trained 'em jes' t' run
The way they do, so's they would get the early mornin' sun;
Ye've got t' love each brick an' stone from cellar up t' dome:
It takes a heap o' livin' in a house t' make it home.

From the book "A Heap o' Livin'" ©1916

Friends, I'm going to be unavailable for the time being, I'll call when I'm ready.

Spring Is In the Air

This past Thursday we actually hit 57 degrees. It was lovely. Mena and I went out back and decided to have a little photo shoot in the tropical breeze. She was so cute! At first she wanted to show me her dancing moves which she calls “shakin’ my body”. We attempted action shots but every time she hears the camera click she stops and asks to see the picture.



We then played soccer and food stand. Food stand consists of her taking my order from the window of her playhouse and then bringing me my food. Are my children spending too much time at fast food joints? Hmmm….something to ponder.

Mena’s fits haven’t lessened in intensity but the last week has shown an improvement in frequency. She’s actually been a little doll who likes to sneak attack me with beautiful smiles.

She was also finally digesting the reason why mommy’s middle is getting bigger but then yesterday told me “There’s no baby in your tummy!” But she does love other babies and talks about her cousins and friends who have babies in their homes, so I’m not too worried. Plus, we’ve been spending a lot of time looking at Jacob’s and her baby books.

She loves to “do it herself” and be mommy’s little helper. By the time baby comes I know she’ll be a fantastic big sister.