My last night of possible sleep....

But it wasn't. Jacob manipulated himself into our bed last night claiming he needed some mommy cuddles before the new baby came. Oh, he's good, isn't he? How could I resist? Then I forgot my Tylenol PM and so was up from 12:30 am until 3:30 am in which I got so sick of tossing and turning (which requires getting up on knees to accomodate massive belly) that I went downstairs and read a chapter of my homework that I need to finish before we leave at 4:30 to drop Rudy off at Ammon and Margarida's and then off to Emily's.

Because of being so far from the hospital, love that rural livin', (ok a GOOD hospital) we are staying at Emily's tonight after eating dinner with her family and our dad who just got in. Then we are spending the night with her since she's only 20 minutes from the hospital and we are close to an hour. She's taking care of the kids for us and with her being close they can come and go with Dad.

I have to admit that I'm scared.

With Jacob's arm, my appendectomy, the financial strain of our medical situation on top of having come to terms with no more babies only to find out I was pregnant after all with only a 3 day window before loss of insurance. The loss of my grandparents in such a bizarre manner, our continued insurance nightmare. Oh yeah, no one will cover us for six weeks after Ellis's birth so all of our follow up care will be out of pocket. I keep thinking that the rug underneath is not finished being pulled out.

When I did sleep last night I had horrible dreams with lots of pain, blood, and death. Gruesome? Yes. But our year didn't start January 1st. It started July 31, 2008 when my son shattered his elbow 2 1/2 hours before our insurance kicked in and has left us $20k+ in the whole and ending on July 31, 2009 with a daughter I pray with all my heart, will come home with us, because sometimes they don't.

But this is my deepest fear. The one I've only begun to admit to myself this weekend. That everything is going to be ok should be a given, but the one thing I've learned in the last 12 months is that life has no givens.

And yet, at the same time, I have really grown in my understanding of repentance and faith. But fear and faith cannot co-exist. One comes from love and the other... I have especially come to a fuller understanding of the power of Grace. And it is these powers that I am trying to draw upon 24 hours exactly from when Ellis's and my operation begin.

* Rane, Walter: Add to Your Faith. Unframed giclée print (www.ldscatalog.com)