My last night of possible sleep....

But it wasn't. Jacob manipulated himself into our bed last night claiming he needed some mommy cuddles before the new baby came. Oh, he's good, isn't he? How could I resist? Then I forgot my Tylenol PM and so was up from 12:30 am until 3:30 am in which I got so sick of tossing and turning (which requires getting up on knees to accomodate massive belly) that I went downstairs and read a chapter of my homework that I need to finish before we leave at 4:30 to drop Rudy off at Ammon and Margarida's and then off to Emily's.

Because of being so far from the hospital, love that rural livin', (ok a GOOD hospital) we are staying at Emily's tonight after eating dinner with her family and our dad who just got in. Then we are spending the night with her since she's only 20 minutes from the hospital and we are close to an hour. She's taking care of the kids for us and with her being close they can come and go with Dad.

I have to admit that I'm scared.

With Jacob's arm, my appendectomy, the financial strain of our medical situation on top of having come to terms with no more babies only to find out I was pregnant after all with only a 3 day window before loss of insurance. The loss of my grandparents in such a bizarre manner, our continued insurance nightmare. Oh yeah, no one will cover us for six weeks after Ellis's birth so all of our follow up care will be out of pocket. I keep thinking that the rug underneath is not finished being pulled out.

When I did sleep last night I had horrible dreams with lots of pain, blood, and death. Gruesome? Yes. But our year didn't start January 1st. It started July 31, 2008 when my son shattered his elbow 2 1/2 hours before our insurance kicked in and has left us $20k+ in the whole and ending on July 31, 2009 with a daughter I pray with all my heart, will come home with us, because sometimes they don't.

But this is my deepest fear. The one I've only begun to admit to myself this weekend. That everything is going to be ok should be a given, but the one thing I've learned in the last 12 months is that life has no givens.

And yet, at the same time, I have really grown in my understanding of repentance and faith. But fear and faith cannot co-exist. One comes from love and the other... I have especially come to a fuller understanding of the power of Grace. And it is these powers that I am trying to draw upon 24 hours exactly from when Ellis's and my operation begin.

* Rane, Walter: Add to Your Faith. Unframed giclée print (www.ldscatalog.com)

I'm faced with the reality that I'm a loser!

So I go on my sister Allison's blog this morning and see her live feed widget. I have seen this nifty little gadget on other blogs I follow but have not succumbed to using it. Until...TODAY! in which I think it's a great time to get rid of my "Suggested Baby Names" section and put in the feedjit instead.

Great plan, right! EXCEPT, now I know that I am the only one who actually returns to my blog with any regularity. FOUR, count them, 4 times today! Now I do this as part of my return to the computer ritual each and every time. I log in, delete spam from my yahoo account, check my school e-mail for new grades, check blog only to check my blog list to see if there's anything new that you have written, and then head to facebook.

I swear, I am only checking my blog list every ten minutes. REALLY, it's not a cry for love or to see if anyone thinks my posts are witty, intelligent, and life changing. really. really. ok, maybe, a little.

Please, comment. Please tell my that my little blog is as important to you as the latest issue of People magazine. That when I post I am claiming my 15 minutes of fame that is an American inalienable right!

Maybe I should remove the feedjit. It's tapping into my psyche and playing havoc with my insecurities.

The Wanderer

Put an X by the states you have been to. The average is 8; how do you match up?

Just for fun, put an O beside the states where you have lived.

Airports don't count!

Alabama -
Alaska -
Arizona - X
Arkansas -x
California -XO
Colorado - X
Connecticut -
Delaware -X
Florida - X
Georgia -
Hawaii-
Idaho -XO
Illinois - X
Indiana- X
Iowa - X
Kansas -X
Kentucky - X
Louisiana -
Maine -
Maryland -XO
Massachusetts - X
Michigan - X O
Minnesota -
Mississippi -
Missouri - X
Montana -X
Nebraska - X
Nevada - X
New Hampshire -X
New Jersey - X
New Mexico -X
New York - X
North Carolina -
North Dakota -
Ohio - XO
Oklahoma -
Oregon - XO
Pennsylvania - X
Rhode Island -
South Carolina -
South Dakota -X
Tennessee - X
Texas - X
Utah - XO
Vermont -
Virginia - XO
Washington - X
West Virginia -
Wisconsin -X
Wyoming- X

That would be 33 visited and 8 lived in.

What's in a name? That which we call a rose...

So it's official. Little Baby Girl W. has a name. (drumroll please....)

Ellis Grace Wylykanowitz!

ELLIS: My grandmother's full name was Miriam Ruth (Ellis) Elison, and we wanted to name her after my grandma long before she passed away.

GRACE: The way she was able to join our family sandwiched between my appendix operation and the end of our maternity insurance was a truly lesson in grace.

Thank you all for your suggestions, it was fun! I'll be copying them down for her scrapbook.

For John

.

Make a Smilebox slideshow

I had promised my brother John that I would create a photo essay of my town for him back in April. Only I didn't really know how to go about doing it until I saw a smilebox creation on my friend Heather Goodworth's blog.

Emily and I hired a babysitter and spent an afternoon tooling around the countryside and many of these photos come from that afternoon in June. A couple are from 2008 as well as the Sandusky County Fair. Jacob and Riley on the trampoline was taken at Emily's house and the final photo was at Maddie Householder's blessing at the Findlay LDS ward building.

I hope you enjoy the tour!

The Swingset

So here's the joke:

How many Mormons does it take to screw in a light bulb?
10: 1 to screw it in and 9 to bring the refreshments!
(ha ha ha)

This was our swingset adventure for the last year. We had decided, as a family, to save up for a nifty new swingset last August. We had a huge glass pickle jar that we put our change in every night and watched as the funds grow. It was supposed to be a lesson for the children in planning, budgeting, delayed gratification and patience. But I definately think I had much more fun finding and counting coins than they did. As a family we saved around $160 in almost a year. Phil also donated $200 when an old case from his solo days paid off then the kids received WalMart gift cards and money for their birthdays which went into the pot. All total we only paid $100 out of pocket!

BUT...we still had to build the darn thing. Which we KNEW was going to be the real test of endurance. So, we asked for help. Phil as Elders Quorum president is constantly setting up and running service projects for those in need and I felt we were in need. The two of us would love to be DIY-ers, but we just aren't. Our kitchen ceiling STILL needs to be painted from the bathroom disaster at Christmas.

So I asked him to just go in there and ask for any help anyone could give and think of it as an old fashion barn-raising. We would provide as much food and drinks as people would need to help us get this thing built.

Our volunteers were: My mom's husband, Rob Ridoutt and sons (our brothers, we just love these guys, even before the swingset), Ammon and Rob. The elders and Brother John Jiskra. And a little help from Jacob and Mena. Everyone was awesome! The missionaries could only stay an hour but Rob and Robert are engineers and they had that thing moving. Phil had worked since 6:30 am sorting and marking wood sizes and when everyone showed up at 9 they just really took off. I did construct the glider and swings as my contribution. And...It only took them half a day!






The day wasn't as hot as earlier in the week but they still needed LOTS of Gatorade and ice pops. I had bought a dozen doughnuts and Rob brought a dozen as well. I had also ordered a meat and cheese tray from the deli to feed 20-25 because when I ordered I didn't know how many had signed up, plus sides That was the best. I think I'll be getting one week until our little girl is born so that I don't have to cook anymore.

After it was constructed we let the kids stay up until after 10 pm playing, and in fact at 7:30 Sunday morning Jacob was out there in his jammies swinging some more. We love it.


And it has been a good lesson. In family home evening two weeks ago we were discussing our pickle jar and what to do with it now. And Jacob helped make the decision that we are now saving until Christmas to help a family in need. So the first half of the year is for something fun for the house/yard and the second half is for service. The jar has a new name: The Wylykanowitz Love Fund.

p.s. A half day really means 9p.m. (5 men:12 hours). But hey! It IS half a day!!! :-)

Mena's Third Birthday

Mena celebrated her third birthday on the 30th of May. She is such a big girl. She's strong willed yet loving. A no fear thrill seeker, yet is terrified of water in her eyes. She'll tell anyone who listens that she starts ballet classes in the fall but clings to me in private, "I don't want to go to pre-school, I don't want to leave you".

She can't wait to have a new sister now that she's seen the ultrasound and accepts that there is a baby in mommy's tummy. Now she likes to read to the tummy and has even offered to share her Lambie with the baby!

I've been sleeping in her room at night because the twin mattress on her floor gives more support and is more comfortable for my girth right now. Last night she climbed into bed with me because she was scared by the "monster" pile of clothes in her room that need to go into storage. Finally waking at 9 a.m. she looked up at me, "Last night I got lots and lots of cuddles".

I've come to believe that most of her fits that went beyond the normal two-year-old tantrums came from a place where Mena knew that I have spent too much time at school or on schoolwork, Jacob, church responsibilities, housework, etc. and not enough time cuddling her. Her favorite place to be is on mommy's lap and now that I'm home my lap is too big to hold her comfortably. And there are days that I just can't get enough of my beautiful Mena and worry that I have failed her in some basic way.

I remember when she was born and we were in the hospital together without anyone visiting. I would put her little naked, diapered, body inside my nightgown so that we were skin to skin and we would lay together for hours. My princess. I promised her that she would always be my special little one. As family came to visit I would become anxious if they held her too long and she wasn't in my arms.

All mothers have to make sacrifices when raising their children. Whether with time, money, other responsibilities, and sometimes even self.

I really appreciate this quote on motherhood:
"Some mothers are kissing mothers and some are scolding mothers, but it is love just the same, and most mothers kiss and scold together." ~Pearl S. Buck

And I'm grateful to all the mothers who are part of helping my children become their best selves. Grandmothers, Aunts (and my children are blessed with LOTS of aunts from many generations, those with children and those without, who absolutely adore them), friends of mine, teachers at church and at school.

Yesterday, Mena and I were talking again about her baby sister in my tummy, when I added that someday she might have a baby in her tummy too. And we giggled and tickled over that. While tickling I thought about how someday she is going to go on her first date, have her first heartbreak, then another, and another. She will go to college (YES!), she may serve a mission, most likely get married, have her own children (through birth or adoption) and live a very full life, if we are so blessed.

But like usual I get ahead of myself. I'm really working on living in the present. My theme song these days is: "Slow down, you move too fast, you've got to make the moment last. Just, kickin' down the cobblestones...doo doo doo doo, and feeling groovy!"

Here's to my groovy little 3 year-old Princess Baby Mena!